I have never been comfortable with myself. Never.
Wait, before the summer of 1999 I did feel at least a little comfortable with myself. The years before my baptism I was actually skinny. Since then I have gained weight and lost the comfortability I had with myself. It all went away because I became a chubby, fat boy. I hated it and always have hated it.
I wish that I could lose this weight. I'm not happy with the way I look. I would work out, but I hate doing home work outs and I do not have money for a gym membership. I can never run because I don't have the motivation and I can never go far without getting tired and getting side aches. I actually do like working out, but I can never get into the routine of doing it daily because I always stop after two weeks or so of some good workouts. I don't know how to keep going.
I don't know what it is, but I can never feel comfortable with myself. A big part of it, is the gay community. I'm no
t going to lie. A lot of gay men that I cross paths with are always so well kept and very skinny. They work out, they dress well and they are very intimidating to me. I don't understand it, but that is how it works. I am very intimidated by the way that gay men view other gay men. A gay man wants in another man that strong physique, the toned body and the hairless man. This, to me, is what a gay man wants. I am none of these things, therefore, I am not good enough. I've always wanted to look good and to be completely fit. I have always been jealous of other guys who I know, who are 'skinny' and generally look good. I've tried to lose weight so that I can look like guys you see in tv and movies. I'm not comfortable wtih myself. I don't like it. I'm determined though, to change. I am.
Michael you are wonderful the way you are! You don't need to change a thing. I completely understand all of it but you need to love yourself for who you are and what you look like. Working out and losing weight is a good thing but you don't need that to be happy.
ReplyDeleteShe's right, you need to learn to be happy with yourself and love yourself the way your are. Your friends and family do, try seeing yourself through their eyes.
ReplyDeleteYour weight and so much else will change back and forth as you age, but if you truly have confidence in yourself, in who you really are, none of that will matter. Don't get me wrong, there's nothing wrong with wanting to be healthier/look better, but it can't be inextricably tied to your confidence in yourself.
I'd work out with ya if you lived close by. It's aways easier when you have a workout buddy.
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