A Little Past Late to the Now

Things have drastically changed in the past year and a half. I continued to do hair school and finished in March of 2011. I am now a licensed Cosmetologist working at a Spa in Cottonwood Heights. I feel like that I have become a different person being the hairstylist that I am. Sometimes, I don't think I am the person that I want to be.

I stopped going to church early in 2011 and quickly thought that the Church wasn't the right place for me to be with my sexuality. I had the mindset that I couldn't sit in a place where all they talked about was marriage between a man and a woman. I felt differently, considering that I considered myself to be Gay. I was going to be marrying a man, raising a family and living happily ever after.

There have been events. Many, in fact that have made me the person I am today and why I am choosing what may be the biggest decision in my life.

I was involved with two girls who were manipulative liars and dragged me down to the point of (kind of) no return. Drama, and not good for me or for the people around me (and them.) I decided to get out of that toxic relationship and it turned out for the better. My relationships with my family blossomed and I felt a huge relief off of my shoulders. Then I decided that it would be fun to drink. Did it twice. Now I am done, completely. I was sick for many, many days after each hangover. What is the point of that? I even got a tattoo which I love. :D

Who was I becoming?

The past two weeks, I have been extremely sick where I have lost 10 LBS and took a lot of time off of work. Early in my sickness, my dad gave me a blessing. Something that I needed more than anything. Tears welled up in my eyes as I was listening to the blessing and I a little spark of warmth and peace filled me up. It was something I hadn't felt in such a long time. The Spirit had felt that It was the right time to tell me, Its time to change. I looked at my mom and said that It was time to make some major changes in my life. She agreed.

The next day, CTR went back onto my finger and my knees went to the ground. I had a lot of time to think about while being sick. (sidenote: still sick; recovering from it.) There was something missing inside of me. I couldn't really tackle what it was until I saw my piano that my grandma had bought for me sitting there untouched. I needed to start playing the piano again.

My Decision:
Going back to school for Piano Performance and going back to church. All needs to happen.

In The Right Place

Are you in the right place?

I just got back from a camping trip up to the Sand Dunes with the ward. It was exhausting, but very rewarding. I got to see my friend who came back Thursday from his mission and all he could really talk about were the things he missed such as movies, music and also his Mission.

At points during the camp out, my friend would on occasion say stuff that he would say to like an investigator. He would tell us stories in The Book Of Mormon and would go off about some his favorite books which all consisted of LDS non-fiction and how much he loved them. It was so awesome to hear him talk about these things and I began to think....more. I want to go on a mission. I really do. I think that is exactly what I want to do. As I sit here now I have this feeling of 'i'm not doing enough.' I don't know exactly how to explain it, but its a feeling of anticipation and anxiety.. Anticipation of what? I don't know.

CTR

Choose The Right

This morning when I woke up the first thing I did was I looked at my phone. I went to my music and sat there listening to one of my favorite songs by Kate Voegele. I laid there thinking about how my life was turning out and then I looked at the ring on my ring finger on my right hand. There in plain and clear writing were the three letters, CTR. I looked at it for awhile just thinking about what it meant to me.

My friend came home from his mission yesterday and I was so excited. He had been serving the Lord for 2 years and that was something that everyone knows that I had been struggling with. But after a lot of thinking, I have decided that a mission is something that I want to do and It has become a desire. Although there is a desire now to go, there are things I have to work on before I can go through with the papers and such.

I started hair school in March and it is something that I love to do. I now observe everyone's hair and I go through my mind what I could do with others hair. Its something that I have grown to love. I do, however, wish I had figured out that the mission was a desire before I started school. It is, how it happened and I will continue with school then once I graduate I will start my papers, or when i'm ready I'll go.

What does the acronym CTR mean to me? CTR means to me what I stand for, not just Choose The Right. Although, it does help me choose the right it helps me understand who I am in this life and why I'm here and where I'm going. And right now it tells me that I'm going to prepare to go on a mission because it is the right thing to do. The Lord wants me to go, and I know that now.

Patriarchal Blessings

"A patriarchal blessing is a unique and remarkable privilege that can come to the faithful members of the Church having sufficient maturity to understand the nature and the importance of such blessings. These privileged blessings are a powerful witness of the mission of the Lord Jesus Christ in bringing exaltation to each of us. Like many blessings, they must be requested by the person or by the family of the one desiring the blessing.

Our testimonies can be strengthened and fortified and our lives given greater purpose every time we read and reread our patriarchal blessings. By their very nature, all blessings are qualified and conditional, regardless of whether the blessing specifically spells out the qualification or not. Each blessing is absolutely qualified and given upon the condition of the faithfulness of the recipient of the blessing." President James E. Faust

One of my all time favorite things to read is my Patriarchal Blessing. In fact, I read it today while on my break at school. Having not read it in quite a while it felt so good to be able to read it and see what my Heavenly Father has in store for me, either in this life or the next. Its such a blessing to read it and be able to feel of that sweet spirit. I actually felt it today. Such a great feeling.

My patriarchal blessing has strengthened my testimony every time I read it and it will continue to do so. Today while I read it, I had this thought come into my mind. In my blessing it mentions temple marriage. That is what struck a thought. A thought that I knew would bother me for a long time. I asked my self this question, 'Will I ever get married in the temple in this life?' I've thought about it before, but not as much as I have today.

A temple marriage has always been something i've wanted. I have wanted that eternal companion and a loving family to be with for all eternity. I want that love that I have seen between numerous couples throughout my life. Of course there is this one thing that makes it impossible. My sexuality makes it hard not only be able to serve a mission, but also to get married in the temple. I know that there are gay men who have gotten married to a woman and in the temple. I do not know how this would work. Although I want it to work, because I want to be able to have those blessings here on the earth.

Right now, all I know is that I have to talk to my Bishop. I am going to turn my life around and be the best that I can be. I do love the church and my choice is to stay in the church no matter what it takes to stay in.

Mission - Should I Go?

Helaman 5:12

A week before General Conference my parents home teacher (who had been mine before I moved out) came over to the house while I was there for dinner. After the lesson and a few minutes of talking my home teacher turns to me and says, 'If you read the Book of Mormon and finish it, in a year from now when you go on your mission I will put in some money for your missionary fund.' I felt so good about this. This was one of the deciding factors for me to actually think about going on a mission and not put all possibilities out of the door and say goodbye to them.

I am having such a hard time deciding if I should go on a mission or not. I have a lot of people wanting me to go on a one, but then I have this feeling that I want both the LDS life and the life that the church doesn't agree with? I keep slipping into the wrong path and I just can't figure out how to do it all.

Every night I tell myself to pray. Do I actually get up and do it? No

Every time I think I should read the scriptures do I do it? No.

Whats wrong with me and what should I do differently? I know of many things I should do and I should just do it and stop sitting around telling myself I need to do it and just do it. Please help me!! haha

Priesthood Session

Patience

This past week I saw one of the best plays from a local acting group that I have ever seen come from them. They did the high school version of Les Miserables. One of my best friends was in it and her little sister. It was fabulous. I wanted to go again so bad. I had an offer from my friends mother that if friends of hers didn't make it, I could take one of the tickets. I was hoping that I would be able to see it again, even if it meant leaving the Priesthood session early, Saturday night.

When Saturday came, I was waiting for the call from my friends mom saying that I could have one of the tickets. The call never came, but I didn't care. I had an impression that I needed to stay at the Priesthood session the whole time. Me, my two brothers and my dad went to the session together and while I fell asleep for pretty much the first half, after the congregational hymn, I was wide awake. As President Uchtdorf began his talk on Patience, I knew right then that Patience is what I was missing from my everyday life.

The biggest thing about patience that I got from Presidents Uchtdorf's talk was that I have got to let my Heavenly Father do things in His own time. Not mine. I have been impatient wanting to know now what I should do. I don't have enough patience to let Him work in His way and His own time. I want answers now, but I don't have the patience for those answers so I don't wait for them, I just continue my life and get farther and farther into a deep pit that I don't want to be in.

I need to have patience for those answers and for the grace of my Heavenly Father. He will help me, but I have got to let Him help me in His time and in His way. I have been suckered into societies way, telling myself that I have got to let ME happy first and not let anyone tell me what I should do or what I have to do. With Patience, prayer, diligent scripture study, doing my home teaching (which I have to figure out who my families are and who my companion is), diligent Priesthood work and service, may the Lord work His miracles. I am willing to let Him and have Him guide my life.

In Church

In church today...

I had a very good experience in Church today. It was Fast Sunday in my ward since the next two weeks we have General Conference and Stake Conference the week after.

In Elders quorum we talked about the Rising Generation and Missionary Work. It got me thinking, a lot. Now I have been thinking a lot about many things in the last couple of days about what I really want. I do want to do hair and I do want to be successful. I thought that I didn't want to go on a mission and I thought that I wanted to live my life for me and not the Lord. Today, I realized that maybe those things are things that I should do for me and the Lord. Maybe I should submit my will and do what the Lord wants for me.

Again I am in that confusion state and I don't know what to do. For me and for the Lord, I need to pray and I need to figure out the best way, not the easiest way. I hope that I can do that.

Its taking off!

...and there it goes.

Almost a year ago, I graduated from High School.

Almost a year ago, I had a group of friends.

Almost a year ago, I was happy.

Time really does go by fast and soon you will be asking yourself, what happened? What happened to the time and what have I been doing? For me, I have been going through the motions. I've been living life, not to the fullest. I have not done anything worth remembering. Nothing I have said or done has made any impact on anyone or anything. Now I am asking myself, what am I going to do?

The other day my mom told me that she was proud of me. Just hearing that she was proud of me, made me happy. A glimpse of that happiness I was missing came back for just a small moment. I started to realize at that moment that I was starting to feel that happiness more and more in the past week. I started hair school at Marinello School of Beauty in Provo, UT and although it has been exhausting, it has felt good. My mom said that she was proud of me because I said that I wanted to go to hair school and I took the initiative and made it happen. I looked at a couple of different schools in Utah County and I chose one and registered.

Just registering for school and starting has made a huge difference. I am actually doing something and not sitting at home all day wishing that something would happen and I wouldn't be bored. During the months that I was bored and had nothing to do, I was depressed. Not depressed enough for medication, but depressed enough that I couldn't handle it. During those depressed times I would hide it, like most people would. I didn't want people knowing that was depressed and that I wasn't happy. Things are finally starting to turn around, and fast that is. Once I started school I had something to do. Although I still cannot find a job I am teaching three young individuals piano. That is a joy all in its own right.

Its taking off....and there it goes.

Comfort Zone

Its hard to go there

One of the main reasons why I moved out of my parents house and moved to Logan was so that I could find myself and find ways to get out of my comfort zone. My comfort zone is that of a small box. I don't ever leave that box unless i'm forced by a teacher or a mentor. Inside that box is my home ward, my roommates, my family and my friends. These people are those people who I stay close to and talk to. They are the people I feel more comfortable around and I stay in those 'boxes.'

Its so hard for me to make new friends. One of the problems I have found that I have is because I care too much about what people think. I'm always saying to myself that when someone looks over at me they're thinking I look awful and that what i'm wearing doesn't match or that its ugly. I'm always worried that no one will like me, so I stay in my little shell and don't leave.

In Logan I hardly ever left my dorm room. The reason is because of two incidents that happened. First, when I first found out who my roommates were going to be in the dorms at Utah State, the housing department gave us the names and the emails of our roommates. I was so excited to finally get the names and I instantly went onto facebook to find out what they looked like and see if I could befriend them. That was a stupid mistake. Soon after one of the guys I was to be rooming with emailed me back on facebook, we exchanged cell numbers and began to talk. I had thought it necessary to tell him that I was gay and so I did. He told me that he had no problem with it and that he still wanted to be my roommate.

After some texts that he took the wrong way, he decided that he didn't want to be my roommate anymore. A week before I was to be moving up to Logan and get settled I got a text from him threatening me. He told me that I had to contact the housing department at USU and 'get out of our dorm or the next 5 months will be a living hell for you.' I was very shocked by this and asked what I did and if he was just playing around with me. He told me that 'the other two roommates and I don't want you in our dorm. It has nothing with you being gay.' Bull crap. He wouldn't have said that unless it actually had something to do with it.

He was such a huge homophobe and I was paying the consequences of coming out to him before even meeting him. With this incident happening I felt this overwhelming feeling that I should never come out to anyone and I should just stay away from people because of my sexuality. That mindset kept me inside my dorm and I never got out and I never opened up and got out of my comfort zone.

End Part One.