A Peaceful Feeling

"You live in a glorious time—the last dispensation. This is the time when before long the gospel will be preached in every nation on the face of the earth. This is the winding-up scene, when all things will come together in preparation for the Second Coming.

What a time to receive a call from the prophet of the Lord to serve a full-time mission, to bring souls to Christ! No wonder the Lord says, “The thing which will be of the most worth unto you will be to declare repentance unto this people, that you may bring souls unto me, that you may rest with them in the kingdom of my father” (D&C 15:6).

How important it is for you to be spiritually prepared, to receive the Spirit of the Lord so that you can render missionary service. I am sure every missionary hopes to have experiences like the sons of Mosiah (see Alma 23:5), or like Nephi and Lehi, who helped in the conversion of thousands (see Hel. 5:19). Stories of missionaries from the scriptures stir within us all a great desire to be better missionaries, to serve more worthily, to teach with power and authority—to truly serve as an instrument in God’s hands to bring about the salvation of many souls.

However, some do not realize that in order to go forward and serve in that manner, they must truly be prepared. They must be worthy in order to be part of a “missionary team,” with their companion, to serve in a district, in a zone, in a mission. They cannot go out to battle unprepared (see D&C 27:15–18).

In such a battle, we must take on the whole armor, not just part of it (see Eph. 6:11–18 and D&C 27:15–18). Can you see, my young friends, how, if someone were to go out to the battle unprepared, he would surely falter? He would subject himself to serious consequences and might also adversely affect the “team” with which he serves. He would not be able to fulfill the divine destiny the Lord has given to missionaries, to take the gospel to all the nations of the earth." by Elder Gene R. Cook of the Seventy "The Message:
Worthy to Serve"

Today, my friend had his homecoming talk and it was absolutely amazing. The spirit was so strong and during his talk I had numerous amounts of prayers answered. Lately, I've been wondering when I should go on a mission and if I should finish school. Today, that prayer was answered. I had fasted and prayed numerous times about going on a mission and today I had it answered through my friend.

He stood up and began speaking. Talking about his mission got me thinking about mine(again) and he said something that sparked this thought, When should I go?Instantly I got this impression that I needed to go and I needed to go now. It was strong and it hit me so hard. I knew that I needed to begin my papers, regardless of school or the things ahead.

I'm excited to start this journey and I have faith in Savior Jesus Christ that I can do what the Lord wants of me. I'm grateful for this opportunity.

In The Right Place

Are you in the right place?

I just got back from a camping trip up to the Sand Dunes with the ward. It was exhausting, but very rewarding. I got to see my friend who came back Thursday from his mission and all he could really talk about were the things he missed such as movies, music and also his Mission.

At points during the camp out, my friend would on occasion say stuff that he would say to like an investigator. He would tell us stories in The Book Of Mormon and would go off about some his favorite books which all consisted of LDS non-fiction and how much he loved them. It was so awesome to hear him talk about these things and I began to think....more. I want to go on a mission. I really do. I think that is exactly what I want to do. As I sit here now I have this feeling of 'i'm not doing enough.' I don't know exactly how to explain it, but its a feeling of anticipation and anxiety.. Anticipation of what? I don't know.

CTR

Choose The Right

This morning when I woke up the first thing I did was I looked at my phone. I went to my music and sat there listening to one of my favorite songs by Kate Voegele. I laid there thinking about how my life was turning out and then I looked at the ring on my ring finger on my right hand. There in plain and clear writing were the three letters, CTR. I looked at it for awhile just thinking about what it meant to me.

My friend came home from his mission yesterday and I was so excited. He had been serving the Lord for 2 years and that was something that everyone knows that I had been struggling with. But after a lot of thinking, I have decided that a mission is something that I want to do and It has become a desire. Although there is a desire now to go, there are things I have to work on before I can go through with the papers and such.

I started hair school in March and it is something that I love to do. I now observe everyone's hair and I go through my mind what I could do with others hair. Its something that I have grown to love. I do, however, wish I had figured out that the mission was a desire before I started school. It is, how it happened and I will continue with school then once I graduate I will start my papers, or when i'm ready I'll go.

What does the acronym CTR mean to me? CTR means to me what I stand for, not just Choose The Right. Although, it does help me choose the right it helps me understand who I am in this life and why I'm here and where I'm going. And right now it tells me that I'm going to prepare to go on a mission because it is the right thing to do. The Lord wants me to go, and I know that now.

I'm BACK!

Just me.

Its been awhile since i've written last. Not much has happened, but me putting my blog on private, not its back to public because hardly anyone was giving me email addresses so that they could read it. I want people to be inspired and motivated by what I write. If no one reads it, what is the point of writing it, if all I want is to be able to urge and inspire. I've truly been inspired to write this blog among other things which I will continue to blog about. Thanks.

Just One of Those Things

Its just one of those things...

One of the things that I do not like is that I have such a very uninteresting life. All I do is go to school and then come home and do nothing.. I guess its just one of those things that happens. I try to make my life interesting, but I just don't know what I can do to make it more interesting other than school. Well, thats a lie, I do know some ways I can make my life more interesting.

#1- Institute
I am thinking that I should start going to Institute. It would give me something to do at night (while trying to find a job).

#2- More Piano Students
Currently I teach 3 kids who are in my ward. I love teaching piano and its something that I feel that I'm good at. I would like to get more students and improve my skill and help others in the process.

#3- Hang out with friends
I try SO hard to hang out with friends, but for some reason it never happens. (Maybe i'm not really trying that hard.) You see, I don't really have that many friends. Or maybe I do, but I never hang out with any of them. A lot of my friends too, aren't LDS or they are, but are very inactive. I guess I am putting myself into a self-pity party, but I would love to have a group of friends with the same standards that would would uplift and strengthen me.

#4- Try harder to find a job
I do need a job desperately, and I'm trying to find one. I should just try harder. Hopefully I can find one soon!

I guess its just one of those things that happens. I have to take the plunge and make my life more interesting besides just sitting on my rear end.

Peace, Love and Happiness

"Did I not speak peace to your mind concerning the matter? What greater witness can you have than from God?" Doctrine and Covenants 6:23

In my life right now this scripture is so important and so impeccable that I wanted to share it. I have felt peace these last couple of days/weeks as I have begun to see a change in the way I have done things and have seen things. I've experienced more peace than I have in the last couple of years trying to figure out what I want and what I need with my life.

This peace that I have felt has come from God, my Heavenly Father. It is a witness for me that God does truly exist and that He loves me and that His Gospel is true. What better witness than from God can I get that the church is true? I can't think of anything better. I know that the peace I have felt is a witness from God and my answer that the church is true. I will from here on out to be better and to follow His commandments and Come Unto Christ. This Happiness that I feel is such a good feeling and I wish that everyone could feel it!

The BOM

The Book of Mormon

One of my favorite things to read is The Book of Mormon. Its refreshing and very uplifting and for the last couple of days I have taken a copy of it with me to school. While on my breaks and lunch I will read a couple chapters in it and also read my patriarchal blessing if there is some time left before I have to begin class again. I love reading this book. It gives me so many insights and things to think about. Its an adventure and a road of war. It also is so spiritual and so wonderful. I'm glad to have it in my life.

I'm trying to be better at reading the scriptures. Its something that makes my day better rather than making it smokey. You see, two of the girls in my class in school smoke. Usually for their break that is what they do. They smoke. For the first couple of times I would go out and talk to them while they smoked. I know its been like a week, but i'm sick of staying out there while the smoke gets into my face and them swearing all the time. Its not something that I want to be around anymore. I've been around it too much that I just want friends that won't do that in front of me and will actually help me try to become better and have the same standards that I do. So, rather than staying outside with the girls I will read The Book Of Mormon and my patriarchal blessing. So much better than sitting outside with the smoke.

The Book Of Mormon has helped realize how much I do love the church and how to recognize the spirit. I had never really felt like that I had actually felt the spirit, but reading the BOM has made it more clear to me and the experiences that I hear about from other people help me as well figure out what the spirit feels like, to me. Its such a great feeling that I am so giddy about all of this. I just want to rush out and do something about it. I want to go somewhere and do something about it. I want my WHOLE life and EVERYTHING I do to be about the church and the gospel of which I am so proudly a part of. I love this feeling and I don't ever want it to go away.

Patriarchal Blessings

"A patriarchal blessing is a unique and remarkable privilege that can come to the faithful members of the Church having sufficient maturity to understand the nature and the importance of such blessings. These privileged blessings are a powerful witness of the mission of the Lord Jesus Christ in bringing exaltation to each of us. Like many blessings, they must be requested by the person or by the family of the one desiring the blessing.

Our testimonies can be strengthened and fortified and our lives given greater purpose every time we read and reread our patriarchal blessings. By their very nature, all blessings are qualified and conditional, regardless of whether the blessing specifically spells out the qualification or not. Each blessing is absolutely qualified and given upon the condition of the faithfulness of the recipient of the blessing." President James E. Faust

One of my all time favorite things to read is my Patriarchal Blessing. In fact, I read it today while on my break at school. Having not read it in quite a while it felt so good to be able to read it and see what my Heavenly Father has in store for me, either in this life or the next. Its such a blessing to read it and be able to feel of that sweet spirit. I actually felt it today. Such a great feeling.

My patriarchal blessing has strengthened my testimony every time I read it and it will continue to do so. Today while I read it, I had this thought come into my mind. In my blessing it mentions temple marriage. That is what struck a thought. A thought that I knew would bother me for a long time. I asked my self this question, 'Will I ever get married in the temple in this life?' I've thought about it before, but not as much as I have today.

A temple marriage has always been something i've wanted. I have wanted that eternal companion and a loving family to be with for all eternity. I want that love that I have seen between numerous couples throughout my life. Of course there is this one thing that makes it impossible. My sexuality makes it hard not only be able to serve a mission, but also to get married in the temple. I know that there are gay men who have gotten married to a woman and in the temple. I do not know how this would work. Although I want it to work, because I want to be able to have those blessings here on the earth.

Right now, all I know is that I have to talk to my Bishop. I am going to turn my life around and be the best that I can be. I do love the church and my choice is to stay in the church no matter what it takes to stay in.

Mission - Should I Go?

Helaman 5:12

A week before General Conference my parents home teacher (who had been mine before I moved out) came over to the house while I was there for dinner. After the lesson and a few minutes of talking my home teacher turns to me and says, 'If you read the Book of Mormon and finish it, in a year from now when you go on your mission I will put in some money for your missionary fund.' I felt so good about this. This was one of the deciding factors for me to actually think about going on a mission and not put all possibilities out of the door and say goodbye to them.

I am having such a hard time deciding if I should go on a mission or not. I have a lot of people wanting me to go on a one, but then I have this feeling that I want both the LDS life and the life that the church doesn't agree with? I keep slipping into the wrong path and I just can't figure out how to do it all.

Every night I tell myself to pray. Do I actually get up and do it? No

Every time I think I should read the scriptures do I do it? No.

Whats wrong with me and what should I do differently? I know of many things I should do and I should just do it and stop sitting around telling myself I need to do it and just do it. Please help me!! haha

Priesthood Session

Patience

This past week I saw one of the best plays from a local acting group that I have ever seen come from them. They did the high school version of Les Miserables. One of my best friends was in it and her little sister. It was fabulous. I wanted to go again so bad. I had an offer from my friends mother that if friends of hers didn't make it, I could take one of the tickets. I was hoping that I would be able to see it again, even if it meant leaving the Priesthood session early, Saturday night.

When Saturday came, I was waiting for the call from my friends mom saying that I could have one of the tickets. The call never came, but I didn't care. I had an impression that I needed to stay at the Priesthood session the whole time. Me, my two brothers and my dad went to the session together and while I fell asleep for pretty much the first half, after the congregational hymn, I was wide awake. As President Uchtdorf began his talk on Patience, I knew right then that Patience is what I was missing from my everyday life.

The biggest thing about patience that I got from Presidents Uchtdorf's talk was that I have got to let my Heavenly Father do things in His own time. Not mine. I have been impatient wanting to know now what I should do. I don't have enough patience to let Him work in His way and His own time. I want answers now, but I don't have the patience for those answers so I don't wait for them, I just continue my life and get farther and farther into a deep pit that I don't want to be in.

I need to have patience for those answers and for the grace of my Heavenly Father. He will help me, but I have got to let Him help me in His time and in His way. I have been suckered into societies way, telling myself that I have got to let ME happy first and not let anyone tell me what I should do or what I have to do. With Patience, prayer, diligent scripture study, doing my home teaching (which I have to figure out who my families are and who my companion is), diligent Priesthood work and service, may the Lord work His miracles. I am willing to let Him and have Him guide my life.

In Church

In church today...

I had a very good experience in Church today. It was Fast Sunday in my ward since the next two weeks we have General Conference and Stake Conference the week after.

In Elders quorum we talked about the Rising Generation and Missionary Work. It got me thinking, a lot. Now I have been thinking a lot about many things in the last couple of days about what I really want. I do want to do hair and I do want to be successful. I thought that I didn't want to go on a mission and I thought that I wanted to live my life for me and not the Lord. Today, I realized that maybe those things are things that I should do for me and the Lord. Maybe I should submit my will and do what the Lord wants for me.

Again I am in that confusion state and I don't know what to do. For me and for the Lord, I need to pray and I need to figure out the best way, not the easiest way. I hope that I can do that.

Its taking off!

...and there it goes.

Almost a year ago, I graduated from High School.

Almost a year ago, I had a group of friends.

Almost a year ago, I was happy.

Time really does go by fast and soon you will be asking yourself, what happened? What happened to the time and what have I been doing? For me, I have been going through the motions. I've been living life, not to the fullest. I have not done anything worth remembering. Nothing I have said or done has made any impact on anyone or anything. Now I am asking myself, what am I going to do?

The other day my mom told me that she was proud of me. Just hearing that she was proud of me, made me happy. A glimpse of that happiness I was missing came back for just a small moment. I started to realize at that moment that I was starting to feel that happiness more and more in the past week. I started hair school at Marinello School of Beauty in Provo, UT and although it has been exhausting, it has felt good. My mom said that she was proud of me because I said that I wanted to go to hair school and I took the initiative and made it happen. I looked at a couple of different schools in Utah County and I chose one and registered.

Just registering for school and starting has made a huge difference. I am actually doing something and not sitting at home all day wishing that something would happen and I wouldn't be bored. During the months that I was bored and had nothing to do, I was depressed. Not depressed enough for medication, but depressed enough that I couldn't handle it. During those depressed times I would hide it, like most people would. I didn't want people knowing that was depressed and that I wasn't happy. Things are finally starting to turn around, and fast that is. Once I started school I had something to do. Although I still cannot find a job I am teaching three young individuals piano. That is a joy all in its own right.

Its taking off....and there it goes.

Comfort Zone

Its hard to go there

One of the main reasons why I moved out of my parents house and moved to Logan was so that I could find myself and find ways to get out of my comfort zone. My comfort zone is that of a small box. I don't ever leave that box unless i'm forced by a teacher or a mentor. Inside that box is my home ward, my roommates, my family and my friends. These people are those people who I stay close to and talk to. They are the people I feel more comfortable around and I stay in those 'boxes.'

Its so hard for me to make new friends. One of the problems I have found that I have is because I care too much about what people think. I'm always saying to myself that when someone looks over at me they're thinking I look awful and that what i'm wearing doesn't match or that its ugly. I'm always worried that no one will like me, so I stay in my little shell and don't leave.

In Logan I hardly ever left my dorm room. The reason is because of two incidents that happened. First, when I first found out who my roommates were going to be in the dorms at Utah State, the housing department gave us the names and the emails of our roommates. I was so excited to finally get the names and I instantly went onto facebook to find out what they looked like and see if I could befriend them. That was a stupid mistake. Soon after one of the guys I was to be rooming with emailed me back on facebook, we exchanged cell numbers and began to talk. I had thought it necessary to tell him that I was gay and so I did. He told me that he had no problem with it and that he still wanted to be my roommate.

After some texts that he took the wrong way, he decided that he didn't want to be my roommate anymore. A week before I was to be moving up to Logan and get settled I got a text from him threatening me. He told me that I had to contact the housing department at USU and 'get out of our dorm or the next 5 months will be a living hell for you.' I was very shocked by this and asked what I did and if he was just playing around with me. He told me that 'the other two roommates and I don't want you in our dorm. It has nothing with you being gay.' Bull crap. He wouldn't have said that unless it actually had something to do with it.

He was such a huge homophobe and I was paying the consequences of coming out to him before even meeting him. With this incident happening I felt this overwhelming feeling that I should never come out to anyone and I should just stay away from people because of my sexuality. That mindset kept me inside my dorm and I never got out and I never opened up and got out of my comfort zone.

End Part One.

St. Patricks Day

In honor of St. Patricks day here are two of my favorite Irish Actors! Enjoy!













St. Patricks day is my favorite day of the year. Why? One reason is because my favorite color is green and so many people wear it so that they don't get pinched. Which is pretty much so immature, but sometimes I still do it! St. Patricks day, to some people is pointless, and although, it is I still love it. I hope you all have such a great day and don't forget to wear your green!

What To Do?

I wish this life figuring out wasn't so damn hard.

I am having conflicts. It seems as if my whole life is just one huge conflict. This is the same conflict I have dealt with for a long time. Everyone deals with this conflict as well, not just me.

I have no idea what I want to do with my life.

I know, I know. I'm only 18, but I want to start doing something with my life now! I feel like as I write this post that I could be doing something else. I know that also that writing helps me vent, but I still feel like something is wrong. I want to be in the arts. I want to do hair, I love music and I want to do something with that. I also have these ideas to become an actor and be in the movies or be a model. So many things that I find exciting. Although I have huge dreams I don't have the motivation to start anything and I do not know what to do! HELP!!

Maybe I should do all of them! That could work, right? I could start out by going to hair school, then after hair school find an agent while working at a salon or something. Then during movies and stuff I could write music. See, that isn't so hard? Please.. I could never! Although, I could try! I just want to be able to do something with my life.

What do you think? Any suggestions?

Comfortable Part 2

Whats wrong with me?

I never actually realized that I HATED the way I looked until I went into Forever 21 yesterday and tried on a pair of pants that should have fit me and a shirt that was bigger than I usually wear. I looked at myself in the mirror and I was disgusted by what I saw. I had it. I had to change. I walked out of the mall and went home and did the thing that I wasn't supposed to do... I had a huge bowl of ice-cream with tons of chocolate syrup. It wasn't a good sign.

Right then and there I got off my butt and drove to my friends apartment. From her apartment we went to Golds Gym and I got myself a membership. Instead of buying clothes I paid for a membership and was told I got a free training with a personal trainer. We set up an free training session for 6 am the next day(today.) Me and my friend, Lacey, got up this morning and went to our free training session. (It was snowing too, not a good way to start of the day.)

During the whole workout I could only think about one thing. 'I'm going to get in shape and I'm going to feel tons better about myself.' That train of thought was going through my head the entire time, plus, 'This hurts, can we stop?' It did feel good, although i'm in so much pain right now I feel like I am still learning how to walk. But the saying goes, 'No Pain, No gain' right?

Right now I look like this-



Then in the future I will look like this-

Saturday Night Movie #3

Tonight what I have in store for us all is a treat. A musical, Newsiesis the true story of a courageos group of newsboys who become unlikely heroes when they team up to fight a newspaper tycoon. These boys, determined to make their dreams come true, find the courage to challenge the people who hold power, the unscrupulous newspaper owner. With Christian Bale, who plays the rebellious newsboy, Jack this movie is a must see!

Here is a list of the music:

'Carrying The Banner'
'High Times, Hard Times'
'King Of New York'
'My Lovey Dove Baby'
'Once And For All'
'Santa Fe'
'Seize The Day'
'The World Will Know'

Comfortable

Whats wrong with me?

I have never been comfortable with myself. Never.

Wait, before the summer of 1999 I did feel at least a little comfortable with myself. The years before my baptism I was actually skinny. Since then I have gained weight and lost the comfortability I had with myself. It all went away because I became a chubby, fat boy. I hated it and always have hated it.

I wish that I could lose this weight. I'm not happy with the way I look. I would work out, but I hate doing home work outs and I do not have money for a gym membership. I can never run because I don't have the motivation and I can never go far without getting tired and getting side aches. I actually do like working out, but I can never get into the routine of doing it daily because I always stop after two weeks or so of some good workouts. I don't know how to keep going.

I don't know what it is, but I can never feel comfortable with myself. A big part of it, is the gay community. I'm not going to lie. A lot of gay men that I cross paths with are always so well kept and very skinny. They work out, they dress well and they are very intimidating to me. I don't understand it, but that is how it works. I am very intimidated by the way that gay men view other gay men. A gay man wants in another man that strong physique, the toned body and the hairless man. This, to me, is what a gay man wants. I am none of these things, therefore, I am not good enough.

I've always wanted to look good and to be completely fit. I have always been jealous of other guys who I know, who are 'skinny' and generally look good. I've tried to lose weight so that I can look like guys you see in tv and movies. I'm not comfortable wtih myself. I don't like it. I'm determined though, to change. I am.

Saturday Night Movie #2

As I pondered what movie to choose tonight, I had to choose another one of my all time favorite movies. 'The Outsiders'In 7th grade when I heard about this book/movie I didn't think I would like it. I never really thought books you read in school were good or cool. I told my english teacher that and she told me that for this book it wouldn't be the case. Was she right? Yes. I absolutely loved the book. I kept telling my teacher that I hated it, but the truth was, I was finished with the book before anyone else and I had already gone to the library and rented the movie. You could say that I was obsessed.

This movie was my guilty pleasure for a long time. I watched it over and over and over. I wanted the movie so bad for my birthday so I begged and pleaded for it. My siblings don't like this movie and have always thought I was crazy for liking it.

In this movie there are some familiar faces? Do you recognize them?

Road to my Dream, Part 3

Just Do It.

Something has changed within me.Something is not the same, I'm through with playing by the rules of someone else's game. Too late for second-guessing too late to go back to sleep. It's time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap. It's time to try Defying gravity. I think I'll try Defying gravity.
And you can't pull me down. So if you care to find me look to the western sky (LA). As someone told me lately - Ev'ryone deserves the chance to fly and if I'm flying solo At least I'm flying free. To those who'd ground me take a message back from me - Tell them how I am defying gravity! I'm flying high Defying gravity! And soon I'll match them in renown And nobody in all of Oz(Utah),no wizard that there is or was is ever gonna bring me down!

Unlike Elphaba, I am not being accused of being evil. Like Elphaba, I have to defy gravity and reach for the stars and chase my dreams. To me that is what this song is about. To me, Elphaba has to Defy Gravity not only to get away from the guards, but to reach for her dreams. Now I have NEVER seen Wicked, but it is my all time favorite musical and I want to see it so bad. On Broadway, in New York. I have the Grimmerie and have flipped through it so many times that I do know what happens. This is all beside the point I'm afraid.

In a Glee Episode, Rachel and Kurt have a Diva-Off. Both of these talented young singers compete to sing Defying Gravity. I loved this episode so much. It helped me realize that I too can defy gravity no matter what happens to me. No matter what my sexual orientation is, I can defy gravity. I can do whatever I want. It doesn't matter what people think I should do, I need to defy gravity. So does everyone else.

Over the last few days I have given something very serious a lot of thought. Should I, or should I not, go on a mission? You might think that this is off the topic, but its not. It is a deciding factor on what is going to happen in my life starting now. Along the lines of Defying Gravity, I can't let other people get in the way of what I want. I'm an adult and I need to start making my own decisions. I can't let the fear of disappointing the people I love the most ground me and make me unhappy. This goes for everyone out there. We have to make our own decisions and we can't let the fear of disappointing others be the deciding factor of any choice. You've gotta do it for yourself.

The Road to my Dream starts now with mydecision.

Road to my Dream, Part 2

Just Do It.

We all have dreams. We all want something out of life and we all have something we want to accomplish during our lives. I have seen many people reach for the stars and accomplish many things that even they, at the time, didn't think was possible. I bet even the biggest celebrities when they were young like me didn't think they would get to where they are today. Everyone wants something, we all have our dreams that need to be fulfilled.

My biggest dream is to become a singer/songwriter. Ever since I was little that was what I wanted to be. I would blast Britney Spears in my friends basement while we made up dance moves. I would write lyrics early on in my life with a girl who I had known since she was born. Still today I continue to write lyrics that hopefully someday would be a song that I write. Although, there are many things holding me back from chasing after this dream of becoming this person I want to be. Also, I have always wanted to have my own record label and then record music that I love and help others fulfill their dream of becoming an recording artist.

When I really wanted to start pursuing this I decided to check out schools around the country that would help me start my journey of owning a record label. Utah State, however, did not have this type of major and I was pretty disappointed. I checked BYU's Music program and what I found was that they had Music Business. I was so excited. I decided that BYU was the school for me. Little did I know that as time passed things would get harder and my hopes for anything happening would falter.

When I moved home after being up in Logan for a semester at USU, I couldn't find a job. (Still can't.) One by one everything I had wanted to do became distant as life became harder and more drama krept into my life. I looked up to someone as he follows his dreams. I saw that as a resource, but it soon became a deciding factor that I couldn't do what I wanted. I don't know why I saw it that way, but I did.

I started to look again online for other schools, rather than BYU, to go to school for Music Business. I found a school in the heart of LA; Musicians Institute for Contemporary Music. I looked around on the site and I fell in love with it. Not only is it in LA it also has some amazing programs. I was excited, but again felt flustered about when I could go and if I should. At the time I was planning on serving a two year mission, but as things came along and as I started to read other blogs about gay mormon men, it became apparent to me that maybe I couldn't go on one. A glimmer of hope came into my eyes. I wouldn't have to wait almost three or four years to start what I wanted to do.

I'm still struggling to figure everything out, but I hope that in time I will have my answer.

Day of Love

Will you be my valentine?

I have been asked this once in my life. That was yesterday. My roommate and I were in the parking lot of Wal-Mart and a woman walked by with two redish color baloons in her hands. Both me and my roommate responded with, "Ugh, Valentines day." My roommate turned to me and asked, "Will you be my valentine?" I instantly said, yes laughing. We are both desperate. Right? Later my roommate put as her status, 'Michael said he'd be my valentine...is that desperation?'

Valentines Day has never been my favorite holiday. Technically it isn't a holiday, it is just an excuse for couples to make out and women to get chocolate. To me that is basically the reason why Valentines Day even exists. Some of you might disagree with me, but If you are disagreeing with me, are you in a relationship? Are you married? Yeah, I thought so. Some people call it Single Awareness day. That is even worst than calling it Valentines day, because it makes us single people realize that we are alone with no boy or girl there for us to give us chocolates, except maybe our mothers.

I find it funny when a guy is going out with a girl and they have been going out for a while and the girl is so excited for the upcoming valentines day that she plans something. Well, I think its funny when the guy breaks up with the girl before valentines day. Why do I think this is funny? I think so because everyone gets so worked up for valentines day that it has to be perfect. Valentines is just like ANY other day. Am I not right? So why fuss over it?

Valentines Day may be the day of love, but it also makes people realizes how lonely they are! I have one Valentine, my roommate! I love her a lot so i'm not ashamed to be her Valentine! Yes, we're desperate since we're both single, BUT its true that we love each other. haha

Saturday Night Movie

I would rather live in the movies.

I've decided to take a break from the usual order of things and my negativity and dive into the world of movies. You see, I love movies. They are something that I can get lost into and all my fears and worries vanish away for that small fraction of the day. No matter what movie it is, I feel astranged from the world while watching one.

Now that I have given my introduction on movies i'll begin with one of my favorite movies. 'A Walk To Remember.' This movie was made with brilliance and elgegance. It was pure genious. The actors, producers, the writers and the director did an amazing job on the adaption of Nicholas Sparks novel. I had never read the book or even heard of the book before the movie. I went into this movie with no expectations on what it was supposed to be. I walked out of the movie with awe and with teary eyes. (I admit, I cry in movies.) I was so grateful for a movie so well made and good that I couldn't wait to read the book.

Mandy Moore did a fabulous job. Her amazing talent and her voice put a good light on the movie and she made Nicholas Sparks character real, real to the bone. Her light elegance and her sweet acting was pure and real. I applaud her.











Shane West was just as good. As Landon, he was a bad boy who fell in love with an angel, a woman of God. He played the bad boy with such a good fierceness that it felt believable. When falling in love with the girl he never thought he would fall in love with, he did that as if he really was in love. It was real. Shane West was the right man for the part. I fell in love with him. He's cute and adorable. He let Nicholas Sparks imaginative book into a reality and that is a high honor.

Poem

All the crazy days and
All the crazy nights
You Look up towards the sky
And see that you're alright.

With All the crazy boys and
All the crazy mess-ups
You look deep down inside
And See that you're alright.

You may not see it now
But as long as you're MJ2
You'll never fight alone
The bond you share together
The marker upon your feet
Is that sound of Destiny

As long as you're together
You'll never have to guess
That why you are friends
Is not a coincidence

In this messed up world
you'll need someone there
Your thoughts, your dreams
ought to be shared.

Although it may seem
that life is pointless
reach out, reach beyond
what is to become
Your friendship lasting a lifetime

You may not see it now
but as long as you're MJ2
You'll never fight alone
'Just Saying' is a part of you
The bond that you'll never break
is that sound of Destiny

Take in whats to be
your infinite destiny
though black and white
it may seem
the life you lead is
All you need.


This is a poem that I wrote for three of my friends. It means a lot to me, I hope you guys enjoy it.

Road to my Dream

"You're only 18. You have your whole life ahead of you." The sound of my roommates voice assured me, just a little.

After months of being depressed and not doing anything with my life, I was on the verge of giving up. Nothing was working out; no job, nothing to do and drama. These things, plus much more, kept me from thinking positively. I thought that I couldn't succeed in what I wanted in life and I thought that I was the only person around.

I didn't realize that I was being conceited until someone approached me about it. That Friday afternoon I was in a mood. A mood of disappointment and hurt. I never thought that I would be noted as conceited. I was determined from that moment on, not to act that way.

The hour after those words, my roommates and I had a 'Roommates Inventory'. It is moments like this that I try to avoid. I don't do well with confrontations and this is exactly what it was. I was scared sitting there on the couch facing my two roommates. What was I supposed to do? Apologize for being so selfish?

As we started our long night together, tears began pour from my eyes. Our inventory consisted of what I wanted to do with my life, not to be too depressed and that they wanted me to be happy.

"You're only 18. You have your whole life ahead of you."

So the Road to my Dream begins. It starts with a simple word. Try.

Hopes for the Future

This blog is for me to express myself, my hopes and my dreams. My thoughts and my motives I can and might share.

First here is a list of SOME of the things I would like do in my lifetime.

1. Go Horseback Riding
2. See 'Wicked' on Broadway
3. Have my own Record Label
4. Get married
5. Move to LA and go to Musicians Institute of contemporary music
6. Go to Ireland
7. Ride in a hot air balloon
8. Meet Kate Voegele
9. Write a book
10.Be in a movie
11.Write my own song
12.Record a CD
13.Go to Thailand
14.Road trip across the USA
15.Meet Idina Menzel and Kristin Chenoweth
16.Dye my hair green
17.Try Wine
18.Meet Ellen Degeneres
19.Own a dog
20.Die in peace


These are only some of the things I would like to do. There are some fun ones and some silly ones. If you see something I shouldn't do, tell me. BUT I would like to do all of them!