A Little Past Late to the Now

Things have drastically changed in the past year and a half. I continued to do hair school and finished in March of 2011. I am now a licensed Cosmetologist working at a Spa in Cottonwood Heights. I feel like that I have become a different person being the hairstylist that I am. Sometimes, I don't think I am the person that I want to be.

I stopped going to church early in 2011 and quickly thought that the Church wasn't the right place for me to be with my sexuality. I had the mindset that I couldn't sit in a place where all they talked about was marriage between a man and a woman. I felt differently, considering that I considered myself to be Gay. I was going to be marrying a man, raising a family and living happily ever after.

There have been events. Many, in fact that have made me the person I am today and why I am choosing what may be the biggest decision in my life.

I was involved with two girls who were manipulative liars and dragged me down to the point of (kind of) no return. Drama, and not good for me or for the people around me (and them.) I decided to get out of that toxic relationship and it turned out for the better. My relationships with my family blossomed and I felt a huge relief off of my shoulders. Then I decided that it would be fun to drink. Did it twice. Now I am done, completely. I was sick for many, many days after each hangover. What is the point of that? I even got a tattoo which I love. :D

Who was I becoming?

The past two weeks, I have been extremely sick where I have lost 10 LBS and took a lot of time off of work. Early in my sickness, my dad gave me a blessing. Something that I needed more than anything. Tears welled up in my eyes as I was listening to the blessing and I a little spark of warmth and peace filled me up. It was something I hadn't felt in such a long time. The Spirit had felt that It was the right time to tell me, Its time to change. I looked at my mom and said that It was time to make some major changes in my life. She agreed.

The next day, CTR went back onto my finger and my knees went to the ground. I had a lot of time to think about while being sick. (sidenote: still sick; recovering from it.) There was something missing inside of me. I couldn't really tackle what it was until I saw my piano that my grandma had bought for me sitting there untouched. I needed to start playing the piano again.

My Decision:
Going back to school for Piano Performance and going back to church. All needs to happen.

Patriarchal Blessings

"A patriarchal blessing is a unique and remarkable privilege that can come to the faithful members of the Church having sufficient maturity to understand the nature and the importance of such blessings. These privileged blessings are a powerful witness of the mission of the Lord Jesus Christ in bringing exaltation to each of us. Like many blessings, they must be requested by the person or by the family of the one desiring the blessing.

Our testimonies can be strengthened and fortified and our lives given greater purpose every time we read and reread our patriarchal blessings. By their very nature, all blessings are qualified and conditional, regardless of whether the blessing specifically spells out the qualification or not. Each blessing is absolutely qualified and given upon the condition of the faithfulness of the recipient of the blessing." President James E. Faust

One of my all time favorite things to read is my Patriarchal Blessing. In fact, I read it today while on my break at school. Having not read it in quite a while it felt so good to be able to read it and see what my Heavenly Father has in store for me, either in this life or the next. Its such a blessing to read it and be able to feel of that sweet spirit. I actually felt it today. Such a great feeling.

My patriarchal blessing has strengthened my testimony every time I read it and it will continue to do so. Today while I read it, I had this thought come into my mind. In my blessing it mentions temple marriage. That is what struck a thought. A thought that I knew would bother me for a long time. I asked my self this question, 'Will I ever get married in the temple in this life?' I've thought about it before, but not as much as I have today.

A temple marriage has always been something i've wanted. I have wanted that eternal companion and a loving family to be with for all eternity. I want that love that I have seen between numerous couples throughout my life. Of course there is this one thing that makes it impossible. My sexuality makes it hard not only be able to serve a mission, but also to get married in the temple. I know that there are gay men who have gotten married to a woman and in the temple. I do not know how this would work. Although I want it to work, because I want to be able to have those blessings here on the earth.

Right now, all I know is that I have to talk to my Bishop. I am going to turn my life around and be the best that I can be. I do love the church and my choice is to stay in the church no matter what it takes to stay in.

Comfort Zone

Its hard to go there

One of the main reasons why I moved out of my parents house and moved to Logan was so that I could find myself and find ways to get out of my comfort zone. My comfort zone is that of a small box. I don't ever leave that box unless i'm forced by a teacher or a mentor. Inside that box is my home ward, my roommates, my family and my friends. These people are those people who I stay close to and talk to. They are the people I feel more comfortable around and I stay in those 'boxes.'

Its so hard for me to make new friends. One of the problems I have found that I have is because I care too much about what people think. I'm always saying to myself that when someone looks over at me they're thinking I look awful and that what i'm wearing doesn't match or that its ugly. I'm always worried that no one will like me, so I stay in my little shell and don't leave.

In Logan I hardly ever left my dorm room. The reason is because of two incidents that happened. First, when I first found out who my roommates were going to be in the dorms at Utah State, the housing department gave us the names and the emails of our roommates. I was so excited to finally get the names and I instantly went onto facebook to find out what they looked like and see if I could befriend them. That was a stupid mistake. Soon after one of the guys I was to be rooming with emailed me back on facebook, we exchanged cell numbers and began to talk. I had thought it necessary to tell him that I was gay and so I did. He told me that he had no problem with it and that he still wanted to be my roommate.

After some texts that he took the wrong way, he decided that he didn't want to be my roommate anymore. A week before I was to be moving up to Logan and get settled I got a text from him threatening me. He told me that I had to contact the housing department at USU and 'get out of our dorm or the next 5 months will be a living hell for you.' I was very shocked by this and asked what I did and if he was just playing around with me. He told me that 'the other two roommates and I don't want you in our dorm. It has nothing with you being gay.' Bull crap. He wouldn't have said that unless it actually had something to do with it.

He was such a huge homophobe and I was paying the consequences of coming out to him before even meeting him. With this incident happening I felt this overwhelming feeling that I should never come out to anyone and I should just stay away from people because of my sexuality. That mindset kept me inside my dorm and I never got out and I never opened up and got out of my comfort zone.

End Part One.