Its taking off!

...and there it goes.

Almost a year ago, I graduated from High School.

Almost a year ago, I had a group of friends.

Almost a year ago, I was happy.

Time really does go by fast and soon you will be asking yourself, what happened? What happened to the time and what have I been doing? For me, I have been going through the motions. I've been living life, not to the fullest. I have not done anything worth remembering. Nothing I have said or done has made any impact on anyone or anything. Now I am asking myself, what am I going to do?

The other day my mom told me that she was proud of me. Just hearing that she was proud of me, made me happy. A glimpse of that happiness I was missing came back for just a small moment. I started to realize at that moment that I was starting to feel that happiness more and more in the past week. I started hair school at Marinello School of Beauty in Provo, UT and although it has been exhausting, it has felt good. My mom said that she was proud of me because I said that I wanted to go to hair school and I took the initiative and made it happen. I looked at a couple of different schools in Utah County and I chose one and registered.

Just registering for school and starting has made a huge difference. I am actually doing something and not sitting at home all day wishing that something would happen and I wouldn't be bored. During the months that I was bored and had nothing to do, I was depressed. Not depressed enough for medication, but depressed enough that I couldn't handle it. During those depressed times I would hide it, like most people would. I didn't want people knowing that was depressed and that I wasn't happy. Things are finally starting to turn around, and fast that is. Once I started school I had something to do. Although I still cannot find a job I am teaching three young individuals piano. That is a joy all in its own right.

Its taking off....and there it goes.

Comfort Zone

Its hard to go there

One of the main reasons why I moved out of my parents house and moved to Logan was so that I could find myself and find ways to get out of my comfort zone. My comfort zone is that of a small box. I don't ever leave that box unless i'm forced by a teacher or a mentor. Inside that box is my home ward, my roommates, my family and my friends. These people are those people who I stay close to and talk to. They are the people I feel more comfortable around and I stay in those 'boxes.'

Its so hard for me to make new friends. One of the problems I have found that I have is because I care too much about what people think. I'm always saying to myself that when someone looks over at me they're thinking I look awful and that what i'm wearing doesn't match or that its ugly. I'm always worried that no one will like me, so I stay in my little shell and don't leave.

In Logan I hardly ever left my dorm room. The reason is because of two incidents that happened. First, when I first found out who my roommates were going to be in the dorms at Utah State, the housing department gave us the names and the emails of our roommates. I was so excited to finally get the names and I instantly went onto facebook to find out what they looked like and see if I could befriend them. That was a stupid mistake. Soon after one of the guys I was to be rooming with emailed me back on facebook, we exchanged cell numbers and began to talk. I had thought it necessary to tell him that I was gay and so I did. He told me that he had no problem with it and that he still wanted to be my roommate.

After some texts that he took the wrong way, he decided that he didn't want to be my roommate anymore. A week before I was to be moving up to Logan and get settled I got a text from him threatening me. He told me that I had to contact the housing department at USU and 'get out of our dorm or the next 5 months will be a living hell for you.' I was very shocked by this and asked what I did and if he was just playing around with me. He told me that 'the other two roommates and I don't want you in our dorm. It has nothing with you being gay.' Bull crap. He wouldn't have said that unless it actually had something to do with it.

He was such a huge homophobe and I was paying the consequences of coming out to him before even meeting him. With this incident happening I felt this overwhelming feeling that I should never come out to anyone and I should just stay away from people because of my sexuality. That mindset kept me inside my dorm and I never got out and I never opened up and got out of my comfort zone.

End Part One.

Road to my Dream, Part 2

Just Do It.

We all have dreams. We all want something out of life and we all have something we want to accomplish during our lives. I have seen many people reach for the stars and accomplish many things that even they, at the time, didn't think was possible. I bet even the biggest celebrities when they were young like me didn't think they would get to where they are today. Everyone wants something, we all have our dreams that need to be fulfilled.

My biggest dream is to become a singer/songwriter. Ever since I was little that was what I wanted to be. I would blast Britney Spears in my friends basement while we made up dance moves. I would write lyrics early on in my life with a girl who I had known since she was born. Still today I continue to write lyrics that hopefully someday would be a song that I write. Although, there are many things holding me back from chasing after this dream of becoming this person I want to be. Also, I have always wanted to have my own record label and then record music that I love and help others fulfill their dream of becoming an recording artist.

When I really wanted to start pursuing this I decided to check out schools around the country that would help me start my journey of owning a record label. Utah State, however, did not have this type of major and I was pretty disappointed. I checked BYU's Music program and what I found was that they had Music Business. I was so excited. I decided that BYU was the school for me. Little did I know that as time passed things would get harder and my hopes for anything happening would falter.

When I moved home after being up in Logan for a semester at USU, I couldn't find a job. (Still can't.) One by one everything I had wanted to do became distant as life became harder and more drama krept into my life. I looked up to someone as he follows his dreams. I saw that as a resource, but it soon became a deciding factor that I couldn't do what I wanted. I don't know why I saw it that way, but I did.

I started to look again online for other schools, rather than BYU, to go to school for Music Business. I found a school in the heart of LA; Musicians Institute for Contemporary Music. I looked around on the site and I fell in love with it. Not only is it in LA it also has some amazing programs. I was excited, but again felt flustered about when I could go and if I should. At the time I was planning on serving a two year mission, but as things came along and as I started to read other blogs about gay mormon men, it became apparent to me that maybe I couldn't go on one. A glimmer of hope came into my eyes. I wouldn't have to wait almost three or four years to start what I wanted to do.

I'm still struggling to figure everything out, but I hope that in time I will have my answer.

Road to my Dream

"You're only 18. You have your whole life ahead of you." The sound of my roommates voice assured me, just a little.

After months of being depressed and not doing anything with my life, I was on the verge of giving up. Nothing was working out; no job, nothing to do and drama. These things, plus much more, kept me from thinking positively. I thought that I couldn't succeed in what I wanted in life and I thought that I was the only person around.

I didn't realize that I was being conceited until someone approached me about it. That Friday afternoon I was in a mood. A mood of disappointment and hurt. I never thought that I would be noted as conceited. I was determined from that moment on, not to act that way.

The hour after those words, my roommates and I had a 'Roommates Inventory'. It is moments like this that I try to avoid. I don't do well with confrontations and this is exactly what it was. I was scared sitting there on the couch facing my two roommates. What was I supposed to do? Apologize for being so selfish?

As we started our long night together, tears began pour from my eyes. Our inventory consisted of what I wanted to do with my life, not to be too depressed and that they wanted me to be happy.

"You're only 18. You have your whole life ahead of you."

So the Road to my Dream begins. It starts with a simple word. Try.