The greatest thing you'll ever learn is to love and be loved in return.

Sunday, March 28, 2010

In Church

In church today...

I had a very good experience in Church today. It was Fast Sunday in my ward since the next two weeks we have General Conference and Stake Conference the week after.

In Elders quorum we talked about the Rising Generation and Missionary Work. It got me thinking, a lot. Now I have been thinking a lot about many things in the last couple of days about what I really want. I do want to do hair and I do want to be successful. I thought that I didn't want to go on a mission and I thought that I wanted to live my life for me and not the Lord. Today, I realized that maybe those things are things that I should do for me and the Lord. Maybe I should submit my will and do what the Lord wants for me.

Again I am in that confusion state and I don't know what to do. For me and for the Lord, I need to pray and I need to figure out the best way, not the easiest way. I hope that I can do that.

Its taking off!

...and there it goes.

Almost a year ago, I graduated from High School.

Almost a year ago, I had a group of friends.

Almost a year ago, I was happy.

Time really does go by fast and soon you will be asking yourself, what happened? What happened to the time and what have I been doing? For me, I have been going through the motions. I've been living life, not to the fullest. I have not done anything worth remembering. Nothing I have said or done has made any impact on anyone or anything. Now I am asking myself, what am I going to do?

The other day my mom told me that she was proud of me. Just hearing that she was proud of me, made me happy. A glimpse of that happiness I was missing came back for just a small moment. I started to realize at that moment that I was starting to feel that happiness more and more in the past week. I started hair school at Marinello School of Beauty in Provo, UT and although it has been exhausting, it has felt good. My mom said that she was proud of me because I said that I wanted to go to hair school and I took the initiative and made it happen. I looked at a couple of different schools in Utah County and I chose one and registered.

Just registering for school and starting has made a huge difference. I am actually doing something and not sitting at home all day wishing that something would happen and I wouldn't be bored. During the months that I was bored and had nothing to do, I was depressed. Not depressed enough for medication, but depressed enough that I couldn't handle it. During those depressed times I would hide it, like most people would. I didn't want people knowing that was depressed and that I wasn't happy. Things are finally starting to turn around, and fast that is. Once I started school I had something to do. Although I still cannot find a job I am teaching three young individuals piano. That is a joy all in its own right.

Its taking off....and there it goes.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Comfort Zone

Its hard to go there

One of the main reasons why I moved out of my parents house and moved to Logan was so that I could find myself and find ways to get out of my comfort zone. My comfort zone is that of a small box. I don't ever leave that box unless i'm forced by a teacher or a mentor. Inside that box is my home ward, my roommates, my family and my friends. These people are those people who I stay close to and talk to. They are the people I feel more comfortable around and I stay in those 'boxes.'

Its so hard for me to make new friends. One of the problems I have found that I have is because I care too much about what people think. I'm always saying to myself that when someone looks over at me they're thinking I look awful and that what i'm wearing doesn't match or that its ugly. I'm always worried that no one will like me, so I stay in my little shell and don't leave.

In Logan I hardly ever left my dorm room. The reason is because of two incidents that happened. First, when I first found out who my roommates were going to be in the dorms at Utah State, the housing department gave us the names and the emails of our roommates. I was so excited to finally get the names and I instantly went onto facebook to find out what they looked like and see if I could befriend them. That was a stupid mistake. Soon after one of the guys I was to be rooming with emailed me back on facebook, we exchanged cell numbers and began to talk. I had thought it necessary to tell him that I was gay and so I did. He told me that he had no problem with it and that he still wanted to be my roommate.

After some texts that he took the wrong way, he decided that he didn't want to be my roommate anymore. A week before I was to be moving up to Logan and get settled I got a text from him threatening me. He told me that I had to contact the housing department at USU and 'get out of our dorm or the next 5 months will be a living hell for you.' I was very shocked by this and asked what I did and if he was just playing around with me. He told me that 'the other two roommates and I don't want you in our dorm. It has nothing with you being gay.' Bull crap. He wouldn't have said that unless it actually had something to do with it.

He was such a huge homophobe and I was paying the consequences of coming out to him before even meeting him. With this incident happening I felt this overwhelming feeling that I should never come out to anyone and I should just stay away from people because of my sexuality. That mindset kept me inside my dorm and I never got out and I never opened up and got out of my comfort zone.

End Part One.

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

St. Patricks Day

In honor of St. Patricks day here are two of my favorite Irish Actors! Enjoy!

St. Patricks day is my favorite day of the year. Why? One reason is because my favorite color is green and so many people wear it so that they don't get pinched. Which is pretty much so immature, but sometimes I still do it! St. Patricks day, to some people is pointless, and although, it is I still love it. I hope you all have such a great day and don't forget to wear your green!

Thursday, March 11, 2010

What To Do?

I wish this life figuring out wasn't so damn hard.

I am having conflicts. It seems as if my whole life is just one huge conflict. This is the same conflict I have dealt with for a long time. Everyone deals with this conflict as well, not just me.

I have no idea what I want to do with my life.

I know, I know. I'm only 18, but I want to start doing something with my life now! I feel like as I write this post that I could be doing something else. I know that also that writing helps me vent, but I still feel like something is wrong. I want to be in the arts. I want to do hair, I love music and I want to do something with that. I also have these ideas to become an actor and be in the movies or be a model. So many things that I find exciting. Although I have huge dreams I don't have the motivation to start anything and I do not know what to do! HELP!!

Maybe I should do all of them! That could work, right? I could start out by going to hair school, then after hair school find an agent while working at a salon or something. Then during movies and stuff I could write music. See, that isn't so hard? Please.. I could never! Although, I could try! I just want to be able to do something with my life.

What do you think? Any suggestions?

Friday, March 5, 2010

Comfortable Part 2

Whats wrong with me?

I never actually realized that I HATED the way I looked until I went into Forever 21 yesterday and tried on a pair of pants that should have fit me and a shirt that was bigger than I usually wear. I looked at myself in the mirror and I was disgusted by what I saw. I had it. I had to change. I walked out of the mall and went home and did the thing that I wasn't supposed to do... I had a huge bowl of ice-cream with tons of chocolate syrup. It wasn't a good sign.

Right then and there I got off my butt and drove to my friends apartment. From her apartment we went to Golds Gym and I got myself a membership. Instead of buying clothes I paid for a membership and was told I got a free training with a personal trainer. We set up an free training session for 6 am the next day(today.) Me and my friend, Lacey, got up this morning and went to our free training session. (It was snowing too, not a good way to start of the day.)

During the whole workout I could only think about one thing. 'I'm going to get in shape and I'm going to feel tons better about myself.' That train of thought was going through my head the entire time, plus, 'This hurts, can we stop?' It did feel good, although i'm in so much pain right now I feel like I am still learning how to walk. But the saying goes, 'No Pain, No gain' right?

Right now I look like this-

Then in the future I will look like this-