Its hard to go there
One of the main reasons why I moved out of my parents house and moved to Logan was so that I could find myself and find ways to get out of my comfort zone. My comfort zone is that of a small box. I don't ever leave that box unless i'm forced by a teacher or a mentor. Inside that box is my home ward, my roommates, my family and my friends. These people are those people who I stay close to and talk to. They are the people I feel more comfortable around and I stay in those 'boxes.'
Its so hard for me to make new friends. One of the problems I have found that I have is because I care too much about what people think. I'm always saying to myself that when someone looks over at me they're thinking I look awful and that what i'm wearing doesn't match or that its ugly. I'm always worried that no one will like me, so I stay in my little shell and don't leave.
In Logan I hardly ever left my dorm room. The reason is because of two incidents that happened. First, when I first found out who my roommates were going to be in the dorms at Utah State, the housing department gave us the names and the emails of our roommates. I was so excited to finally get the names and I instantly went onto facebook to find out what they looked like and see if I could befriend them. That was a stupid mistake. Soon after one of the guys I was to be rooming with emailed me back on facebook, we exchanged cell numbers and began to talk. I had thought it necessary to tell him that I was gay and so I did. He told me that he had no problem with it and that he still wanted to be my roommate.
After some texts that he took the wrong way, he decided that he didn't want to be my roommate anymore. A week before I was to be moving up to Logan and get settled I got a text from him threatening me. He told me that I had to contact the housing department at USU and 'get out of our dorm or the next 5 months will be a living hell for you.' I was very shocked by this and asked what I did and if he was just playing around with me. He told me that 'the other two roommates and I don't want you in our dorm. It has nothing with you being gay.' Bull crap. He wouldn't have said that unless it actually had something to do with it.
He was such a huge homophobe and I was paying the consequences of coming out to him before even meeting him. With this incident happening I felt this overwhelming feeling that I should never come out to anyone and I should just stay away from people because of my sexuality. That mindset kept me inside my dorm and I never got out and I never opened up and got out of my comfort zone.
End Part One.
Fall 2011 Preview: Monday
5 years ago