A Little Past Late to the Now

Things have drastically changed in the past year and a half. I continued to do hair school and finished in March of 2011. I am now a licensed Cosmetologist working at a Spa in Cottonwood Heights. I feel like that I have become a different person being the hairstylist that I am. Sometimes, I don't think I am the person that I want to be.

I stopped going to church early in 2011 and quickly thought that the Church wasn't the right place for me to be with my sexuality. I had the mindset that I couldn't sit in a place where all they talked about was marriage between a man and a woman. I felt differently, considering that I considered myself to be Gay. I was going to be marrying a man, raising a family and living happily ever after.

There have been events. Many, in fact that have made me the person I am today and why I am choosing what may be the biggest decision in my life.

I was involved with two girls who were manipulative liars and dragged me down to the point of (kind of) no return. Drama, and not good for me or for the people around me (and them.) I decided to get out of that toxic relationship and it turned out for the better. My relationships with my family blossomed and I felt a huge relief off of my shoulders. Then I decided that it would be fun to drink. Did it twice. Now I am done, completely. I was sick for many, many days after each hangover. What is the point of that? I even got a tattoo which I love. :D

Who was I becoming?

The past two weeks, I have been extremely sick where I have lost 10 LBS and took a lot of time off of work. Early in my sickness, my dad gave me a blessing. Something that I needed more than anything. Tears welled up in my eyes as I was listening to the blessing and I a little spark of warmth and peace filled me up. It was something I hadn't felt in such a long time. The Spirit had felt that It was the right time to tell me, Its time to change. I looked at my mom and said that It was time to make some major changes in my life. She agreed.

The next day, CTR went back onto my finger and my knees went to the ground. I had a lot of time to think about while being sick. (sidenote: still sick; recovering from it.) There was something missing inside of me. I couldn't really tackle what it was until I saw my piano that my grandma had bought for me sitting there untouched. I needed to start playing the piano again.

My Decision:
Going back to school for Piano Performance and going back to church. All needs to happen.

A Peaceful Feeling

"You live in a glorious time—the last dispensation. This is the time when before long the gospel will be preached in every nation on the face of the earth. This is the winding-up scene, when all things will come together in preparation for the Second Coming.

What a time to receive a call from the prophet of the Lord to serve a full-time mission, to bring souls to Christ! No wonder the Lord says, “The thing which will be of the most worth unto you will be to declare repentance unto this people, that you may bring souls unto me, that you may rest with them in the kingdom of my father” (D&C 15:6).

How important it is for you to be spiritually prepared, to receive the Spirit of the Lord so that you can render missionary service. I am sure every missionary hopes to have experiences like the sons of Mosiah (see Alma 23:5), or like Nephi and Lehi, who helped in the conversion of thousands (see Hel. 5:19). Stories of missionaries from the scriptures stir within us all a great desire to be better missionaries, to serve more worthily, to teach with power and authority—to truly serve as an instrument in God’s hands to bring about the salvation of many souls.

However, some do not realize that in order to go forward and serve in that manner, they must truly be prepared. They must be worthy in order to be part of a “missionary team,” with their companion, to serve in a district, in a zone, in a mission. They cannot go out to battle unprepared (see D&C 27:15–18).

In such a battle, we must take on the whole armor, not just part of it (see Eph. 6:11–18 and D&C 27:15–18). Can you see, my young friends, how, if someone were to go out to the battle unprepared, he would surely falter? He would subject himself to serious consequences and might also adversely affect the “team” with which he serves. He would not be able to fulfill the divine destiny the Lord has given to missionaries, to take the gospel to all the nations of the earth." by Elder Gene R. Cook of the Seventy "The Message:
Worthy to Serve"

Today, my friend had his homecoming talk and it was absolutely amazing. The spirit was so strong and during his talk I had numerous amounts of prayers answered. Lately, I've been wondering when I should go on a mission and if I should finish school. Today, that prayer was answered. I had fasted and prayed numerous times about going on a mission and today I had it answered through my friend.

He stood up and began speaking. Talking about his mission got me thinking about mine(again) and he said something that sparked this thought, When should I go?Instantly I got this impression that I needed to go and I needed to go now. It was strong and it hit me so hard. I knew that I needed to begin my papers, regardless of school or the things ahead.

I'm excited to start this journey and I have faith in Savior Jesus Christ that I can do what the Lord wants of me. I'm grateful for this opportunity.

In The Right Place

Are you in the right place?

I just got back from a camping trip up to the Sand Dunes with the ward. It was exhausting, but very rewarding. I got to see my friend who came back Thursday from his mission and all he could really talk about were the things he missed such as movies, music and also his Mission.

At points during the camp out, my friend would on occasion say stuff that he would say to like an investigator. He would tell us stories in The Book Of Mormon and would go off about some his favorite books which all consisted of LDS non-fiction and how much he loved them. It was so awesome to hear him talk about these things and I began to think....more. I want to go on a mission. I really do. I think that is exactly what I want to do. As I sit here now I have this feeling of 'i'm not doing enough.' I don't know exactly how to explain it, but its a feeling of anticipation and anxiety.. Anticipation of what? I don't know.

Just One of Those Things

Its just one of those things...

One of the things that I do not like is that I have such a very uninteresting life. All I do is go to school and then come home and do nothing.. I guess its just one of those things that happens. I try to make my life interesting, but I just don't know what I can do to make it more interesting other than school. Well, thats a lie, I do know some ways I can make my life more interesting.

#1- Institute
I am thinking that I should start going to Institute. It would give me something to do at night (while trying to find a job).

#2- More Piano Students
Currently I teach 3 kids who are in my ward. I love teaching piano and its something that I feel that I'm good at. I would like to get more students and improve my skill and help others in the process.

#3- Hang out with friends
I try SO hard to hang out with friends, but for some reason it never happens. (Maybe i'm not really trying that hard.) You see, I don't really have that many friends. Or maybe I do, but I never hang out with any of them. A lot of my friends too, aren't LDS or they are, but are very inactive. I guess I am putting myself into a self-pity party, but I would love to have a group of friends with the same standards that would would uplift and strengthen me.

#4- Try harder to find a job
I do need a job desperately, and I'm trying to find one. I should just try harder. Hopefully I can find one soon!

I guess its just one of those things that happens. I have to take the plunge and make my life more interesting besides just sitting on my rear end.

Peace, Love and Happiness

"Did I not speak peace to your mind concerning the matter? What greater witness can you have than from God?" Doctrine and Covenants 6:23

In my life right now this scripture is so important and so impeccable that I wanted to share it. I have felt peace these last couple of days/weeks as I have begun to see a change in the way I have done things and have seen things. I've experienced more peace than I have in the last couple of years trying to figure out what I want and what I need with my life.

This peace that I have felt has come from God, my Heavenly Father. It is a witness for me that God does truly exist and that He loves me and that His Gospel is true. What better witness than from God can I get that the church is true? I can't think of anything better. I know that the peace I have felt is a witness from God and my answer that the church is true. I will from here on out to be better and to follow His commandments and Come Unto Christ. This Happiness that I feel is such a good feeling and I wish that everyone could feel it!

The BOM

The Book of Mormon

One of my favorite things to read is The Book of Mormon. Its refreshing and very uplifting and for the last couple of days I have taken a copy of it with me to school. While on my breaks and lunch I will read a couple chapters in it and also read my patriarchal blessing if there is some time left before I have to begin class again. I love reading this book. It gives me so many insights and things to think about. Its an adventure and a road of war. It also is so spiritual and so wonderful. I'm glad to have it in my life.

I'm trying to be better at reading the scriptures. Its something that makes my day better rather than making it smokey. You see, two of the girls in my class in school smoke. Usually for their break that is what they do. They smoke. For the first couple of times I would go out and talk to them while they smoked. I know its been like a week, but i'm sick of staying out there while the smoke gets into my face and them swearing all the time. Its not something that I want to be around anymore. I've been around it too much that I just want friends that won't do that in front of me and will actually help me try to become better and have the same standards that I do. So, rather than staying outside with the girls I will read The Book Of Mormon and my patriarchal blessing. So much better than sitting outside with the smoke.

The Book Of Mormon has helped realize how much I do love the church and how to recognize the spirit. I had never really felt like that I had actually felt the spirit, but reading the BOM has made it more clear to me and the experiences that I hear about from other people help me as well figure out what the spirit feels like, to me. Its such a great feeling that I am so giddy about all of this. I just want to rush out and do something about it. I want to go somewhere and do something about it. I want my WHOLE life and EVERYTHING I do to be about the church and the gospel of which I am so proudly a part of. I love this feeling and I don't ever want it to go away.

Patriarchal Blessings

"A patriarchal blessing is a unique and remarkable privilege that can come to the faithful members of the Church having sufficient maturity to understand the nature and the importance of such blessings. These privileged blessings are a powerful witness of the mission of the Lord Jesus Christ in bringing exaltation to each of us. Like many blessings, they must be requested by the person or by the family of the one desiring the blessing.

Our testimonies can be strengthened and fortified and our lives given greater purpose every time we read and reread our patriarchal blessings. By their very nature, all blessings are qualified and conditional, regardless of whether the blessing specifically spells out the qualification or not. Each blessing is absolutely qualified and given upon the condition of the faithfulness of the recipient of the blessing." President James E. Faust

One of my all time favorite things to read is my Patriarchal Blessing. In fact, I read it today while on my break at school. Having not read it in quite a while it felt so good to be able to read it and see what my Heavenly Father has in store for me, either in this life or the next. Its such a blessing to read it and be able to feel of that sweet spirit. I actually felt it today. Such a great feeling.

My patriarchal blessing has strengthened my testimony every time I read it and it will continue to do so. Today while I read it, I had this thought come into my mind. In my blessing it mentions temple marriage. That is what struck a thought. A thought that I knew would bother me for a long time. I asked my self this question, 'Will I ever get married in the temple in this life?' I've thought about it before, but not as much as I have today.

A temple marriage has always been something i've wanted. I have wanted that eternal companion and a loving family to be with for all eternity. I want that love that I have seen between numerous couples throughout my life. Of course there is this one thing that makes it impossible. My sexuality makes it hard not only be able to serve a mission, but also to get married in the temple. I know that there are gay men who have gotten married to a woman and in the temple. I do not know how this would work. Although I want it to work, because I want to be able to have those blessings here on the earth.

Right now, all I know is that I have to talk to my Bishop. I am going to turn my life around and be the best that I can be. I do love the church and my choice is to stay in the church no matter what it takes to stay in.

Mission - Should I Go?

Helaman 5:12

A week before General Conference my parents home teacher (who had been mine before I moved out) came over to the house while I was there for dinner. After the lesson and a few minutes of talking my home teacher turns to me and says, 'If you read the Book of Mormon and finish it, in a year from now when you go on your mission I will put in some money for your missionary fund.' I felt so good about this. This was one of the deciding factors for me to actually think about going on a mission and not put all possibilities out of the door and say goodbye to them.

I am having such a hard time deciding if I should go on a mission or not. I have a lot of people wanting me to go on a one, but then I have this feeling that I want both the LDS life and the life that the church doesn't agree with? I keep slipping into the wrong path and I just can't figure out how to do it all.

Every night I tell myself to pray. Do I actually get up and do it? No

Every time I think I should read the scriptures do I do it? No.

Whats wrong with me and what should I do differently? I know of many things I should do and I should just do it and stop sitting around telling myself I need to do it and just do it. Please help me!! haha

Priesthood Session

Patience

This past week I saw one of the best plays from a local acting group that I have ever seen come from them. They did the high school version of Les Miserables. One of my best friends was in it and her little sister. It was fabulous. I wanted to go again so bad. I had an offer from my friends mother that if friends of hers didn't make it, I could take one of the tickets. I was hoping that I would be able to see it again, even if it meant leaving the Priesthood session early, Saturday night.

When Saturday came, I was waiting for the call from my friends mom saying that I could have one of the tickets. The call never came, but I didn't care. I had an impression that I needed to stay at the Priesthood session the whole time. Me, my two brothers and my dad went to the session together and while I fell asleep for pretty much the first half, after the congregational hymn, I was wide awake. As President Uchtdorf began his talk on Patience, I knew right then that Patience is what I was missing from my everyday life.

The biggest thing about patience that I got from Presidents Uchtdorf's talk was that I have got to let my Heavenly Father do things in His own time. Not mine. I have been impatient wanting to know now what I should do. I don't have enough patience to let Him work in His way and His own time. I want answers now, but I don't have the patience for those answers so I don't wait for them, I just continue my life and get farther and farther into a deep pit that I don't want to be in.

I need to have patience for those answers and for the grace of my Heavenly Father. He will help me, but I have got to let Him help me in His time and in His way. I have been suckered into societies way, telling myself that I have got to let ME happy first and not let anyone tell me what I should do or what I have to do. With Patience, prayer, diligent scripture study, doing my home teaching (which I have to figure out who my families are and who my companion is), diligent Priesthood work and service, may the Lord work His miracles. I am willing to let Him and have Him guide my life.

In Church

In church today...

I had a very good experience in Church today. It was Fast Sunday in my ward since the next two weeks we have General Conference and Stake Conference the week after.

In Elders quorum we talked about the Rising Generation and Missionary Work. It got me thinking, a lot. Now I have been thinking a lot about many things in the last couple of days about what I really want. I do want to do hair and I do want to be successful. I thought that I didn't want to go on a mission and I thought that I wanted to live my life for me and not the Lord. Today, I realized that maybe those things are things that I should do for me and the Lord. Maybe I should submit my will and do what the Lord wants for me.

Again I am in that confusion state and I don't know what to do. For me and for the Lord, I need to pray and I need to figure out the best way, not the easiest way. I hope that I can do that.