Whats wrong with me?
I have never been comfortable with myself. Never.
Wait, before the summer of 1999 I did feel at least a little comfortable with myself. The years before my baptism I was actually skinny. Since then I have gained weight and lost the comfortability I had with myself. It all went away because I became a chubby, fat boy. I hated it and always have hated it.
I wish that I could lose this weight. I'm not happy with the way I look. I would work out, but I hate doing home work outs and I do not have money for a gym membership. I can never run because I don't have the motivation and I can never go far without getting tired and getting side aches. I actually do like working out, but I can never get into the routine of doing it daily because I always stop after two weeks or so of some good workouts. I don't know how to keep going.
I don't know what it is, but I can never feel comfortable with myself. A big part of it, is the gay community. I'm not going to lie. A lot of gay men that I cross paths with are always so well kept and very skinny. They work out, they dress well and they are very intimidating to me. I don't understand it, but that is how it works. I am very intimidated by the way that gay men view other gay men. A gay man wants in another man that strong physique, the toned body and the hairless man. This, to me, is what a gay man wants. I am none of these things, therefore, I am not good enough.
I've always wanted to look good and to be completely fit. I have always been jealous of other guys who I know, who are 'skinny' and generally look good. I've tried to lose weight so that I can look like guys you see in tv and movies. I'm not comfortable wtih myself. I don't like it. I'm determined though, to change. I am.
Fall 2011 Preview: Monday
5 years ago